One step away from Schadenfreude?
A member of my dissertation group defended this week. We're all very happy for her. Yes, I really was happy. But then I came home and felt very bad about myself. Before, attending defenses (I've been to several, but this is the first from within my own cohort) has given me a burst of positive energy, as if I've discovered that what I'm trying to accomplish is possible. I can do this!
Which is why my after-defense feeling struck me so much. I love this woman. I'm proud of her. I don't think it's resentment or jealousy (well, maybe a little jealousy -- she's done and she has a job lined up, two things I do not have). I think it's rather a feeling of inadequacy. She has managed to pull this off and I have not. Leading to the inevitable "what's wrong with me?" mantra.
I spent the better part of the day kicking myself over not being done, and then the rest of the evening kicking myself that I'd spent the better part of the day not working productively. It's a vicious circle. Yep. Just keeps going around and around. Never stops. That's what makes it vicious. And a circle.
Well, back to work.
Which is why my after-defense feeling struck me so much. I love this woman. I'm proud of her. I don't think it's resentment or jealousy (well, maybe a little jealousy -- she's done and she has a job lined up, two things I do not have). I think it's rather a feeling of inadequacy. She has managed to pull this off and I have not. Leading to the inevitable "what's wrong with me?" mantra.
I spent the better part of the day kicking myself over not being done, and then the rest of the evening kicking myself that I'd spent the better part of the day not working productively. It's a vicious circle. Yep. Just keeps going around and around. Never stops. That's what makes it vicious. And a circle.
Well, back to work.
Labels: history writ small, mindless anxiety
posted by Courtney at 9:06 AM
8 Comments:
But Quinn, you know you're going to get there. In the whole group, the only one I worry about is Elle :-).
I was too scared/nervous to even attend. I don't want anybody at mine!
The wheels on the bus go round and round...right over me.
Cheer up, you'll beat me to defending, and then your schadenfruede will be real schadenfruede. And don't forget your two best chapters to date, your kids. We with children often forget that it was so, so much easier to get things done when we didn't have them. That said, we wouldn't go back for a second.
Oh, I hate those vicious cycles. What Nathan says makes much sense.
Welcome, Scrivener. You and Nathan both have pretty cute kids, so I'm apt to listen to you.
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